I am the most tired woman in the world...

"...I am tired when I get up. Life requires an effort which I cannot make. Please give me that heavy book. I need to put something heavy like that on top of my head. I have to place my feet under the pillows always, so as to be able to stay on earth. Otherwise I feel myself going away, going away at a tremendous speed, on account of my lightness. I know that I am dead. As soon as I utter a phrase my sincerity dies, becomes a lie whose coldness chills me. Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and the ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world, and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you." – Anais Nïn

Any doubt regarding Kurt’s intentions has disappeared now that he’s asked me out for coffee. I’m still very apprehensive about all of this. I'm afraid of commitment, afraid of being tied down or restricted in any way. This guy, like all the others, seems to want to get serious pretty fast based on all that he's sent me. I understand that he's a bit older than me and is probably ready for it, but I'm not. He also won't tell me where he lives and it doesn't say on his profile. Based on his phone number, I'm assuming he lives in Milwaukee, but I don't live here on the weekends. I don't think I can trust him. I mean, I met him on MySpace. We have some things in common, but not enough, so I think I might have to let him go. I know I'm making assumptions, but I'm afraid I'm a bit too wild for him, and I'm not comfortable dating someone who has very different tastes in music, art, and film, and lives a completely different lifestyle. He is also very deeply-rooted in this city, and quite frankly, I don't want to live here longer than I need to. I wish I could just delete him from my friends and be done with this, but I have a bad feeling I'll eventually run into him at Friday Night Figure Drawing, and I don't want to turn an uncomfortable situation into something resentful. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've seen him there before.

I know part of this is my fault due to my self-imposed anxiety, not trusting others and being ridiculously picky when it comes to men, but I have enough stress trying to get everything done for school, especially the artwork, and still being able to do the things I want in what little free time I have. If I'm going to make an effort to adjust my schedule for some guy, I feel I should really be into him (which after talking to him more, I find I'm not).

This entry is kind of pointless, but I didn't want to leave off with the notion I had in the last one or delete it. I'm annoyed that I let some silly Internet conversation affect me like this in the first place, but it did, so I'm documenting it. Above of all, it reaffirmed what my priorities in life are right now and what I need (and don't) to be happy.

"Feeling lonely and content at the same time, I believe, is a rare kind of happiness." - Tuomas Holopainen, "Lagoon"